Charley: I held you as you came out of me and into the world and I felt so bloody powerful and accomplished for doing this; birthing you with no drugs and the best supporter in the world, your dad.
You are the most delightful person I’ve ever met. There is surely no baby more happy, more peaceful and content than you. You are a teddy bear in little boy form and we love, love, love you. It feels like every time we look at you you’ve changed again. You giggle at and with Violet constantly, you smile with your whole face and your wise, wise eyes light up. You love being sung to and having your toes kissed and I am buzzing with love and pride and awe just thinking of you and imagining all the fun and excitement and love your life has in store for you.
You were due on your Dad’s birthday, but two days later on Sunday I woke up worried because I hadn’t felt you move overnight. I had breakfast to try and get you up and at ‘em, along with a few pokes, but still you weren’t moving as much as normal. The day before, on Saturday, I was determined to get you out so while Daddy and Mimi and Poppy went to paint Francis St, I spent two hours bouncing on the gym ball with the electric breast pump attached. I had plenty of contractions, but still you didn’t budge.
At about 9am I called our midwife and she said to come in to the hospital for ‘a quick check and some monitoring’. We left Vi with mum and dad and I took my book, glasses and phone. Your dad was in his painting clothes with nothing else but the car keys and paint spotted crocs.
We got into the ED waiting room at 10am and slowly the Sunday morning crowds grew and grew. We said if no one had seen us by 2pm we’d leave. By then I’d finished the book I was reading and had felt a few soft movements from you, so I wasn’t worried. As I went to the counter to say we were ok they told me they had a bed upstairs for us to be monitored in the birth centre, so up we went. I got strapped up, one monitor on your heart and one on my uterus (for contractions). Within five minutes I had a really strong, strange feeling contraction that made me feel faint, so I asked your dad to help me stand up off the bed. Within literal seconds the room was filled with about 10 doctors and nurses all yelling, moving me back to the bed and coming at me with all sorts of needles and straps and cannulas. The doctor told me your heartrate had dropped drastically low in that contraction and that I “would not be leaving here without a baby”. Now, that could be said in a really nice, excited and comforting way, but this was severe and menacing. They were prepping me for an emergency c-section but I said “no – I need you to keep monitoring us, I feel fine now. I want my midwife”. They called my midwife who had just delivered her second baby in 24 hours, which meant, at this point on a Sunday she was out of hours, but would pass me onto another midwife in the Blue Group. She came in after I’d had continuous monitoring for another 3 hours and let me have a big sob and a big hug and told us it was up to me, but as I was over my due date and there’s still uncertainty on baby – you – it was safest to have an induction when I was ready.
An hour later, mum had delivered my hospital bag to Kane and we went up to the birth suite you would be born in. After wishing and hoping that I would not be induced again like I was with Vi, it was a very strange feeling to walk into the birth suite not in labour, but I was determined to have you on my own terms as much as possible. My midwife was incredible. She had set up the room with diffusers and fairy lights and gym balls and just had a good vibe, so already the mood was different to Vi’s induction. I had shed my tears and now I was ready to fucking BIRTH THIS BABY. Daddy hung my birth affirmations and we realised we hadn’t made a new birth playlist, so we put on one we made for Violet. Two songs later we looked at each other and said ‘this music is so depressing’. So we switched to Violet’s after day care pump up mix – plenty of Spice Girls and J-Lo. To Beyonce’s ‘Who Run’s the World’ my waters were broken and instantly stood up, danced and all the waters started flowing. I felt good and in control. Daddy put the TENS machine on my back and I told our midwife, an hour later, that I was ready for the drip. While I was hopeful the breaking of my waters would kick labour into gear, it didn’t and now I just wanted to meet you.
The drip went in, I went on the ball and all was well for the first few hours. No doctors in sight for the whole labour, just us and our incredible midwife. Much swearing, screaming and abusing your dad followed until about 1:30 I decided I was completely done. I told them I needed an epidural, that this was bullshit and I hated them both. I should say though, that compared to Violet’s labour, here I was completely conscious and aware the whole time. My eyes were open the whole time and I was able to talk and even tell your dad when a song came on that I hated (Lovely Day, Bill Withers).
I spent most of the labour on all fours on the bed or leaning my arms up on the headboard. In this position, when your dad and my midwife were talking about how close I was, I told them I was done, didn’t want to do it anymore and was going home. As I went to get off the bed I felt you drop, so quickly and clearly it was the most bizarre feeling ever. I said “actually, I’m pushing” and that was that. Within ten minutes you were out. I had sucked a lot of gas, something I couldn’t do in Violet’s labour because I couldn’t get my breathe, but this time it really helped me stay focussed on deep breaths. You wanted to come into this world FAST and I pushed so strongly and with absolute abandon. I don’t think I’ve ever yelled or screamed that loud in my life and it felt fantastic. Your head was out and holy shit it hurt. One more push and, up on my knees with my elbows on the headboard, teeth clamped on the top of it, your whole beautiful body came out too. It was utterly unbelievable. My incredible little man with a full head of dark hair, pink bodied and screaming and perfect. I held you as you came out of me and into the world and I felt so bloody powerful and accomplished for doing this; birthing you with no drugs and the best supporter in the world, your dad. He had confidence in me, I had confidence in me and we did it!
Unfortunately your speedy entry left me with a third degree tear. My midwife advised that I go under and get the surgery to ensure I had the best odds of fab recovery and I’m so glad I did – despite waiting four hours (until 6am) with no food, water or pain relief to do so. In the hours we waited you did the breast crawl and you latched like a champ. When I was wheeled into the recovery ward after surgery (a few stitches) you were swaddled up and fast asleep on your dad. It was the most beautiful thing I’d seen and it still makes me cry to think of it.
And that was it my darling, that is the story of how you came into the world. How you healed my confidence in myself and my body. How you made Violet a very, very proud sister and everyone who has met you fall in love with your wise little face. The song playing the moment you were born was Al Green’s ‘Love and Happiness’ and I hope that is the omen for your life ahead.
We love you.
Charley lives in Yarraville, Victoria with Kane and their daughter, Violet, and son, Emile. She spends her days wading between the corporate world, reliving the best of childhood through her kids and reading plenty @book_smut.
