Augie: I needed strong mothers and past birthers to hold me, to show me that all of this was ok

It has taken so long to condense words about this topic in my head. What I want or need to say is this. Birth is spiritual. Birth is an initiation as old as time. This doesn’t mean that if you don’t birth you are lacking, or that something is missing. It simply means what it means.

I wanted to write about postnatal depression, the empty and yet crushing black abyss of what postnatal depression is. And I will write to that, but what I have come to realise is that as much as postnatal mood ‘disorders’ can seem to stem from multiple places, ie. birth trauma, nutritional deficiencies, lack of continuity of postpartum care etc. if we remembered what birth was, if we had reverence for it, care and understanding of the enormity of it and acted accordingly we would see postnatal mood disorders differently, and hopefully see many less of them.

In my own journey with postnatal depression I didn’t suffer from any birth trauma, and this always confused me, almost made me ashamed of the depression. How could I have such a beautiful birth, the birth I wanted, so easy and empowering, six blissful hours of power and surrender, to then be plunged into the darkness of PND. It didn’t make sense then, but now I see that it does.

What I needed during my anxious pregnancy was someone to talk to, not about the physical side of birth, but the spiritual. I needed someone to say ‘What is coming up for you in this pregnancy is hard, I can see that, but it is nothing you can’t handle. Lean into the uncomfortable feelings, let them be with you as friends, do not run, face them, turn into them and let them turn into you. They are full of so much wisdom and have so much to say. Birth and pregnancy are preparing you for your child, for their soul, for all that they are.’ I needed strong mothers and past birther’s to hold me, to show me that all of this was ok. And after the birth I needed the same, to be reminded that I was being initiated, and that it can be painful and uncomfortable, but that I was held and supported during this time of change.

This was my second pregnancy and it was confusing when I compared it to my first pregnancy in which I experienced so much joy and trust. I felt completely capable of everything that was coming my way. Again in hindsight I now understand that my first Sun needed me just as I was, that not too much change and growth was needed to be his Mum. But my second Sun needed me to really transform myself, to grow up. And what I have realised is that I didn’t lose that other part of myself, like I thought I did for a long time, what happened was that I became more than I was before. I have the capacity now to hold more, to hold my youngest Sun in all the complexity of himself. I now see postnatal depression as not a disorder of the self but a disorder of our society and how we view birth, but also how we view times of hardship. Growth is hard. It hurts. It feels so uncomfortable, but it isn’t bad or wrong.

~

Augie is a mother and an artist. She lives on Dja Dja Wurrung country where she homeschools her two small humans, while also studying a Bachelor of Psychology.

Image: Self portrait painted by Augie, ‘Oxytocin’