Lisa Watkins: And I went to some otherworldly place

I went to 41+3, and not that that is especially important, but I think the roller coaster of emotions that came after 40 weeks, the ‘due date,’ is important to acknowledge. The anxiety, the rage, the unknown, the trying-to-soak-it-all-up but really wanting it to be done.

And then the night it started I lay in bed at 10pm thinking ‘dinner must not have agreed with me tonight.’ Before realising oh this has a pattern. 15 min between each cramp and I felt excitement and trepidation, but luckily managed to sleep. The rest is a blur. But there are feelings and thoughts that stand out.

I spent a lot of my labour trying to run away in my brain and body. I wanted to escape. I think I shut my eyes at 10am and didn’t open them again until she was born. I didn’t want to face it, it all felt too big. And each contraction was like a hot tennis ball above my pubic bone. I have brief moments of clarity such as asking my husband ‘what have you been eating?!’ Because his breath was spicy, not nice. And then my contractions slowed down again (the second time) and I felt defeated. I was tired, exhausted. My midwife was there and she was asking questions that I knew meant she was trying to figure out if baby was posterior. I tried to have a rest on the bed, but it didn’t work, I had to move, I couldn’t be still.

So my midwife did a sidelong release during contractions and I hated her for it. I cried and wanted it to stop. But it worked, something shifted. The contractions ramped up and then I went somewhere else. I remember thinking - ‘the only thing the hospital can offer me now is an epidural, and I don’t want that and what comes with it, so I’m the only one who can do this.’ I could finally face it. I realised there was no running away, it was me and me only who had to do this.

And I went to some otherworldly place, I was aware of my surroundings but not. My mind and body became one. It was complete surrender.

Until suddenly I was awake. And I felt so alert, and so clear headed. I still felt a little hopeless and in a silly moment I remember apologising for not managing, for being so ‘full on.’ I still wasn’t ready to own my power and to be me. At some point after that I had the thought to feel where my baby was. I had been really disconnected from baby, apart from feeling relief each time I was greeted by the heart beat. So I felt inside and her head was right there. One finger joint deep. So close.

Her final hiccups on the inside - something she had done most nights during the pregnancy. Just after my waters broke she was hiccuping. I could feel her little body bounce, the jumping of her back.

The final bit was intensity. A full body vomit, but down and out. And I knew from the break between contractions whether it would be a big one or a small one. Big break meant big contraction, short break meant smaller one. I was still in complete surrender, my body was driving. But I didn’t really believe that she could come out of there?! And this is where I was, and still am, in absolute awe of my body and me. The intensity, the primal-ity and the strength I displayed at the end of labour is something I still draw on. (And I don’t think I’ll ever make those sounds again.)

I remember feeling her head with soft, wispy hair in the water. Her ear as she turned and her legs kicking me inside before finally she was out. Pure ecstasy. A high like no other. Such a complete 180 from most of my early labour. Doubt and smallness were now a deep knowing that this was me in my full power.

Finally relief. And awe. And an immediate instinct of wanting to hold, calm and kiss my baby. But still not quite connected and back on earth yet. I think I drifted in the birth-high clouds for three days before I landed back on earth. Three blissful days, three difficult nights. More surrender. And the surrender has continued for over two years.

Lisa lives on Dharawal/Yuin country on the south coast of NSW with her husband, daughter and dog. She works some of her time within allied health and spends the rest wrangling a toddler, drinking coffee, baking and enjoying the outdoors. She birthed her baby at home.